I am still working on a book that, Lord willing, will be published next summer. In it, I am arguing that many church leadership lessons can be learned in the home. We can learn to lead, communicate, and handle conflict in the smaller context of family. But we also need to learn character lessons.
The following is one section from the character chapter.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. (Josh. 1:9)
With sweating hands and a racing heart, I picked up the phone. An older woman had become dissatisfied with our church and left for another church. I accepted it thinking, “That’s all just part of living in a fallen world.” Except she kept attending one of our women’s Bible studies even as she continued criticizing the current church leadership. I had known her for years, but I needed to intervene. I was dreading the call because I had encountered her sharp tongue before. With a prayer for courage, I dialed the number and started the conversation.
Willingness to confront is a competency needed in leadership. A hard conversation must be had with skill, patience, gentleness, thoughtfulness, and prayerfulness. But it must be had. Courage is given by the Spirit; and courage is often developed when we move toward hard discussions. Over time, I learned to initiate difficult interactions rather than procrastinating. There were many conversations like the one described above, whether over the phone or in person, when my mouth was dry and I was nervous. I took comfort in the quip by the late John Wayne, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.”
Leaders need backbone. Good leadership, at times, means making decisions that some don’t agree with. Though we want to be humble, winsome, communicative leaders, we do not want to be like Aaron, living in the fear of people and simply doing their bidding. We want to be convictional without being pugilistic, and humble without being spineless, acting with manly firmness.
One place we can learn to stand firm is in our homes. Our wives, our greatest counselors, are also flawed. They are not always right any more than we are. This is where loving leadership can falter. When our home life is tense, it is tempting to sinfully acquiesce. As the popular saying goes, “When Mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.”
However, Scripture is clear: Adam should not have listened to Eve (Gen. 3:17); Abram should not have acquiesced to Sarai (Gen. 16:2); Aaron should not have capitulated to the people (Ex. 32:21); and Peter should not have given way to the Judaizers (Gal. 2:12). Your servant leadership will not always make your wife or your children happy.
Often we don’t want to disappoint either of them. Servant leadership can become servile leadership. Godly service involves leading them to the Lord and to love others. It sometimes means gently pressing against our wife’s fears or sinful desires. It means leading the family where God wants it to go, even if it’s not where your wife wants it do go at the moment.
We need this same firm leadership in the church. Although godly leadership will generally lead to respect, there will be occasions we must make unpopular decisions that will not please the crowd. There were times when people were less than happy with my decisions. I had to learn how to be humble, teachable, and stay true to my convictions. Our leadership team had to learn how to love those with embittered pasts or strong personalities without letting them take over the church.
A godly husband and shepherd will lead with humble conviction, carefully listening to others. He will seek to communicate gently, kindly, and winsomely. But ultimately, he will seek to please the Lord, not men and women. That will mean enduring some times at home or church when there is a “chill in the room.”
You are managing your households well when you embrace hard assignments and hard conversations as part of your job as a leader.
