If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously. James 1:5
What causes fights and quarrels among you?
Don’t they come from your desires that battle with you?….
You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:1,3
A theology of decision-making in couples comes from decision-making in individuals. The most foundational question to ask is, “Does God guide?” Or am I left on my own? I believe God does guide. Scripture is filled with this teaching.
A full treatment of God’s guidance is beyond this newsletter. However, here are the principles Sharon and I have tried to follow as we make big decisions.
1. Start with prayer. Any large decision should be bathed in prayer for wisdom, guidance, and unity.
2. Seek to follow God’s revealed will in the Bible. Seek to maximize rewards on the final day e.g., be committed to Bible study, the church, discipleship, ministry, etc.
3. Seek to follow God’s subjective will for you. How will you build the kingdom, your family, ministry/church, job? For example, I felt called to pastor a church in New England. And then 13 years ago, I felt released from that call to pursue this ministry. This, of course, never replaces God’s revealed word and our wisdom.
4. Think through both your family goals and balance that with individual goals. To have a successful family involves cooperation and sacrifice. Remember, you will have to give an account to the Savior. Setting family goals is a matter of pleasing him in different arenas. It is not doing what I want with a little church thrown in.
5. The bigger the decision, the bigger the clarity should be. I don’t pray about which shirt to wear. Neither do I flippantly change churches/careers/locations etc.
6. Pray together, pray separately, and then discuss, Seek wisdom from other counselors. Ask questions of counselors and invite input. But God has to speak to you and your conscience. Someone has said, “A wise person seeks lots of counsel. A fool listens to all of it.”
God can give three answers – yes, no, or no answer. If you are not sensing an answer then you are free to choose whichever. Sometimes it helps to draw pros and cons columns.
7. Avoid domineering or passivity. Avoid rashness or micromanaging.
8. Be aware of your fleshly tendency. Is it to be lazy? To make a lot of money? Fight against your flesh.
9. Based on Scripture, the man is ultimately responsible for the decision the family makes assuming it is not sinful. This means that he takes the initiative to provide and protect. This means he seeks to do what is best for the flourishing of everyone. It doesn’t mean he always gets his way. Nor does it mean he always gives up his way.
10. Remember, to not make a decision is to make a decision. Don’t let searching for the perfect choice stop you from taking a good option.
