When I first started this ministry over eleven years ago the question on the mind of parents was, “Am I really responsible for discipling my children? That’s why I bring them to this church. It is their responsibility.”
By God’s grace and his Spirit, that question has changed. Now, the question from most parents goes something like this, “I know I am responsible to pass the faith to them. But how do I do it?”
I answer this question in both The Disciple-Making Parent and in the conferences I conduct. But I want to take some time in these emails to spell out the how of family discipleship.
Specifically I focus on 7 commitments that parents should make. In this email, let’s think about the fourth commitment. I hope that after you read through these seven you will be both encouraged and challenged. Encouraged by thinking, “This is doable.” And also challenged to take further steps.
You can find the other commitments here: Commitment One, Two, and Three
The fourth commitment I encourage disciple-making parents to make is this:
Love them like Jesus – with affection and authority.
Effective parents fill their home with love and the aroma of the gospel. Jesus said, “All men will know you are my disciples if you love one another” (John 13:35). Loving one another is a witness to our children and others.
Are our homes filled with the aroma of the gospel? As Christians we serve a God who is three diverse persons who have loved each other from all eternity. Our families can reflect that communion. Dad, Mom, and children are different and yet can be loving and united.
How can we bring this about? Let me highlight three aspects of biblical love.
1. We want to have a home of grace and joy.
A Christian home should have an an atmosphere of grace and affection. Christians should be the most joyful people in the world. The Christian life is not a life of drinking lemon juice! The gospel brings joy, greater joy than the world. It is much harder for children to rebel against a joyful home.
The gospel also brings grace. Children don’t need perfect parents. What they need is parents who see and understand their need of the Savior and of grace in daily living. Do you confess your sin? Do you hold yourself responsible for your sin? Do you ask forgiveness?
Since we are God’s people we live differently than the world. Sharon and I certainly made choices to live differently. But we want to live differently with grace and joy. We wanted to be joyfully different.
2. We want to love them with emotional connection.
Another aspect of Christlike love is emotional connection. I know you love your children. But do you like them? Do they know it? Are your children more aware of your affection or of your correction? Scripture says our God “delights over us with singing” (Zeph. 3:17). That means he is not emotionally distant. And as we imitate him, we are not distant. We have affection for our children.
How do we connect to the heart? By our conversations. Our lives are changed by the conversations we have. Here is the inconvenient truth – Most of us are actually not good communicators. Maybe we talk too much or too little.
God wants to develop your communication ability. Connect with your children by committing to be a good communicator. Put down your phone. Be present. Listen with your eyes. Learn to ask good questions.
In addition, capture key times to talk with them. We used travel time for family communication time. No devices unless we said ok. Putting them to bed was a valuable conversation time. But the most powerful thing I did as a dad was take them out on a Donut Date one-to-one. All these things bonded our hearts.
3. We want to love them with gospel discipline.
You might not think about discipline as in the category of love. But Jesus said, “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline” (Rev 3:19). There is not time to talk about the how of discipline in this article. While character training in children cannot regenerate the heart, it does shape it. As a result, good parenting will both speak the gospel and shape the will.
We train our children to obey us so that they will find it easier to submit their will to their heavenly Father. As stewards, you do not discipline your children for your own peace and quiet. You discipline their hearts and train them to say “Yes” to you so that later they will find it easier to follow their heavenly Father. We impose restrictions when they are little so that when they are big they joyfully embrace the restrictions of their heavenly Father (Psalm 119:32).
And if, by our neglect, we are training them to disobey us, then we are actually training our children to develop a character that will disobey God later. J.C. Ryle made a similar observation many years ago: “You must not wonder that men refuse to obey their Father which is in heaven, if you allow them, when children, to disobey their father who is upon earth.”
In summary, an attractive, gospel-infused home is full of grace, joy, AND boundaries.
Practical Suggestions
1. Ask your spouse if you bring an atmosphere of grace and joy into your home. What can you do to improve it?
2. Consider setting up a routine of donut dates – See below.
3. Get on the same page with a parenting philosophy by using Parenting with Confidence.
Want to think more about this topic?
Read chapters 7, 10, 11, and 12, in The Disciple-Making Parent in which I talk about communicating well. Or listen to those chapters in the free audiobook. Email us here to get your free audiobook if you don’t already have it.
