On this episode of The Disciple-Making Parent Podcast, we explore the critical but often misunderstood topic of managing our households well. We’re excited to announce the release of Chap’s new book “Managing Your Households Well” which examines how family leadership prepares us for church leadership.
The episode unpacks two key insights from first half of the book. Chap will discuss the delicate balance of authority and affection in both parenting and pastoring, and why authenticity matters more than maintaining a perfect appearance. Join us as we discover why managing our households well isn’t about having a perfect family, but about leading with wisdom, respect, and genuine care.
Topics Covered In This Week’s Podcast
01:56 Why write this book?
09:04 What does leading well at home entail?
15:35 Who is this book for?
17:34 Clarifying Titus 1:6
Episode Transcript
I’m Chap Bettis, and you’re listening to The Disciple-Making Parent, where we seek to equip parents and churches to pass the gospel to their children. Managing your household well, is that even possible? How do you know? Hi, my name is Chap Bettis and I’m the author of The Disciple-Making Parent. If you’re familiar with 1 Timothy 3, you know that one of the qualifications for an elder or a pastor is that they manage their household well, but for too often, I think this verse has been overlooked and misunderstood. So I’m happy to announce that today I have a new book being released. It’s entitled Managing Your Households Well: How Family Leadership Trains You for Church Leadership, and it’s published by P&R Publishing, and I’m thankful for them.
In today’s episode, I’m going to be talking about why I wrote the book and covering the contents of the first half. In the next episode, I’ll have us look at part two of the book, but before we start though, I always want to remind you that we give away the audiobook of the Disciple Making Parent for free. It’s the premier book on family discipleship, and we’re on a mission to equip parents and grandparents to pass the gospel. To their children and grandchildren. If you sign up for our family discipleship newsletter, we’ll give you the audiobook for free. You know, I’m regularly surprised by how many of my podcast listeners that I run into don’t know about the newsletter. It comes out once a week on Saturday morning, and it’s the primary means of staying in touch with me. And I promise not to spam you. Just visit our website at thedisciplemakingparent.com to sign up for our newsletter and to get a free audiobook.
Well, let’s start by talking about the why of the book. That’s the question I like to ask authors. Why did you write this book? What is the need that you saw? And really there were two strains of thought that came together for me. So, as you know, The Disciple-Making Parent ministry focuses on the family. And as a pastor, I wondered why we did not emphasize the scriptures in 1 Timothy chapter 3, verses 4 and 5, and Titus 1:6. Let me read those to you just as we start our time together.
1 Timothy 3:4,5. This is in the middle of the qualifications of a pastor and it says, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”
Titus 1:6 says, “An elder must be blameless, the husband of one wife, with faithful children who are not accused of wildness or rebellion.”
There are a number of reasons you can see that these are important verses. For example, in 1 Timothy, this takes up one quarter of the requirements for pastors or elders, and in Titus, it leads off the list of qualities. One of the reasons I believe that we’ve ignored this qualification is because it’s been misunderstood and misapplied by church members who think our homes should be perfect and feel free to criticize. And because of that, we’ve ignored this verse. We don’t think we’re managing our household well. And so it’s just a verse that we read past or overlook unconsciously.
But as a family ministry and as someone who believes in the sufficiency of God’s word, the question is, what are we missing by ignoring those verses? And so that was one strain of thought just sort of running around in my head, just a nagging question. And the second strain of thought was my observation of young guys taking over pastoring roles. And when I saw young guys who had been well-trained theologically, they often had good ecclesiology- That is, the understanding of the doctrine of the church. But they seemed to lack the relational wisdom to lead well. I said it this way: They can exegete the word, but they can’t exegete people. In other words, they can expose, or open, the word, but they don’t understand people.
And then I thought back when I was starting out as a young pastor and I had a similar deficiency as well, and the question is, why? We need to get at the heart of this because leadership is so important. Many of us have experienced poor leadership. Maybe you’ve been under poor leadership, or maybe it’s not poor leadership, but it’s what I might call passable leadership. It’s okay, but I don’t believe that God intends it to be that way. Good leaders bless those underneath them. Poor leaders hurt those underneath them. And that brings us back to the verse in 1 Timothy 3. I would argue that that is exactly what this is getting at because in verse 5, Paul makes this point:
He says this: “If a man doesn’t know how to manage his own household, how can he care for the church of God?”
See, Paul switches nouns in that parallelism from household to church, and you may ask why. But if you go down to verse 14 of that same chapter, how does Paul reference the church of God? It’s the pillar and foundation of the truth, yes, but it’s also the household of God. You see, so once you understand that the church is a household, you can see the immediate connection that leading one’s own family well requires, and it develops similar gifts to leading God’s household. Well, it’s like training on a small Piper Cub airplane before getting behind the controls of a commercial aircraft.
The more I thought about that, the more I realized that God intends the leadership in our home to develop the relational wisdom we need to lead well. And God intends leadership in the home to display that we have the wisdom to lead the household of God. Let me just repeat those two sentences, because they’re so important: Leadership in our home is one way we develop the relational wisdom we need to lead well. And leadership in the home is a way we display that we have that wisdom to lead the household of God well.
Now let me just be clear, that certainly is not the only place we learn leadership wisdom or relational wisdom or pastoral wisdom. That’s certainly not. But it is one place and it’s a very important place. There’s a connection between the two. Once those thoughts came together, I began thinking about the ideas that formed into a book. It’s been rattling around in my head for 10 years now, and then it took me two years to actually write it.
And before we go on though, I want to be clear. I want us to think about what relational wisdom actually is, because I’m encouraging leaders that we need to have that. Wisdom is skillful living in line with God’s ways. That’s what wisdom is. But relational wisdom is leading in a shepherding in a way that is in line with God’s ways that understands people.
There are a number of examples we could talk about, but let’s just take one. Let’s take an example for handling a conflict. So you could be thinking about handling a conflict with your spouse, or with a church member, but let’s just think about handling conflict. There are so many questions we need to ask. Number one, should I overlook this? Am I being too sensitive? Or on the other hand, am I being too passive by not bringing it up? Am I avoiding conflict?
And then let’s say I think, Okay, yes, I should bring it up. Then the question is, How do I bring it up? Do I in person or call or email or text? And then when do I bring it up? And when I do bring it up, what do I say? And so on and so on. You can see just one little situation where there may be some conflict. We need so much wisdom, and that’s how young pastors I would suggest get into trouble. And that’s one of the skills that Paul is saying that we can see: Are they leading well in their home? And then we know that they’ll lead well in the church. So whether at church or home, leading well needs so much wisdom. One thing some people have already noticed is that the title is plural, Managing Your Households Well, and that’s deliberate. What, what are we trying to communicate? We’re trying to point out is how to lead your family well and how to lead the church or some aspect of it. Well, also because that’s God’s household.
The next question then arises is, What specific point is Paul making in 1 Timothy 3-5, and why is it important? Well, I’ve already alluded to one of those in 3:5, but if you back up to verse 4, it’s interesting that what Paul does. He’s talking about managing the household well, but then what he does is very interesting. He moves down to a subset of that, which is the relationship with your children. There’s lots of things we could talk about in terms of overseeing our home well, but he moves into the subset of children and then he moves down into a further subset. Because there’s lots of things we could talk about in terms of being a father, but he moves down into a subset, which is seeing that they obey you with proper respect. And that’s the NIV translation or “keeping them submissive with all dignity,” says the ESV. So there’s a lot more to managing our household we can talk about, but what Paul specifically focuses on is this small subset.
So let’s take a look and go back and look at that verse again. Let me read verse four again as the NIV translates it. It says, “See that they obey you with proper respect,” and the ESV translates it, “Keeping them submissive with all dignity.” So for Paul, Paul’s saying, this is the aspect of managing your household well, that I’m talking about. So let’s unpack that a little bit. In particular, Paul is saying that we as dads are to see that our children obey us. So that means that as that I, as the family leader, I’m responsible. We have a parenting plan in place that leads to general obedience, and of course kids are going to act up. That’s not the issue. We expect them to obey because God commands it, but we expect them to disobey because they’re sinful. But part of being a good parent is having a training plan that has rewards and encouragement, but also consequences and standards.
The first and hardest place that we live out the implications of the gospel is in our homes. Our spouse and our children are our nearest neighbors. And so what we want to see is what Paul’s saying: am I seeing that my children are submissive or that they obey me? But interestingly, if you look at that verse closely, Paul also modifies that requirement by saying, “with all dignity,” ESV, or “with all respect.” Now, when I think of the word dignified, I think of someone who’s older and quieter. My young 40-year-old, fun-loving pastors are many good things, but I would not use the word dignified about them. But they are worthy of respect, and I think that’s the better translation here. Paul is saying that we achieve obedience in a way where there’s respect by our children or by other dads or by our spouse. I would summarize this by saying parenting is about authority and affection, and I would say good pastoring is the same way. I’m comfortable with the authority that God has given me, and I exercise it for the good of those under my care.
I’m not a people pleaser trying to keep people happy, but I exercise that authority in a way that’s worthy of respect where there’s affection. My kids know that I love them and they can talk to me about anything, and the sheep under my care know that I care about them as well. See, Paul is drilling down to these two aspects. Am I comfortable with authority and exercising it wisely, and do I exercise it in a way that connects with those underneath? My kids or the sheep or the folks in my church? Am I exercising that authority in a way that connects them with my heart?
There are different ways, you know, that this can be sabotaged. One is by being an authoritarian dad who fears losing control and uses anger to get his way. They may look like submissive kids, but that type of father doesn’t have their heart. Much more common today is on the other side of the spectrum, which is the permissive dad who looks at his kid’s misbehavior and fears their rejection, and so wants to be their friends. He doesn’t have standards of obedience. As I was showing this early chapter, specifically on 1 Timothy 3-5, to a pastor’s son, he also encouraged me to add another A, which I thought was really helpful and that is “authenticity.” Although I think the Bible and Paul assume it, we shouldn’t because our sinful hearts as pastors can seek to have obedient children because we’re fearful of what other members would say. Or we want to look like we have a shiny Christian life or a shiny family before the church members, or we as parents want to appear as if we have it all together in front of our kids. But that is not actually living the gospel of grace in front of others.
The truth is all of us are sinners. All of us need the grace of Jesus. Family life is messy. Living the Christian life is messy. Church is messy, and so we want to be known as people who are authentic and that is what we want most about our children and ourselves. Even as a dad, as we model and implement authority and affection, we also want to model authenticity where we let our children grow up. And what matters most is really an authentic love for Jesus, not whether they’re wearing blue jeans with holes in them. And the more we expand on this, it actually helps you see that this book applies not just to pastors, not just to elders, but to all men.
For example, you can see that managing your household well is a requirement for deacons down there in verse 12. And if it’s for elders and deacons, then by implications it’s for all men. The qualities of an elder, as someone has said before, are so ordinary they apply to all of us. And so I could see this book being used by pastoral teams, deacon teams, elder teams, ministry leaders that are in seminary.
Really any men who study this material, I think could benefit from it. Surprisingly, I also think that women could benefit from it as well. Maybe that strikes you as unusual. It is written by a man for men. But ladies, if you’re listening to this, you too are called to lead your household well, and you can see that right in 1 Timothy 5:14. Paul says that “I would have younger women or widows marry, bear children, and manage their household, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.
And of course, you can see this in Proverbs 31. The idealized woman of wisdom at the end of the book is overseeing her household and servants in an extraordinary way. She’s dabbling in real estate. She’s able to teach and she’s able to oversee and prepare for her family. Don’t let the idealized woman discourage you, ladies, but the idea is that you also, as one made in God’s image, are called to oversee. Well, in addition, if you’re the wife of a leader, his partner in ministry, it could help you to understand him and help him fulfill his calling in this area.
Before we close this podcast, I want us to think quickly about Titus 1:6, and this is also in the first half of the book. The CSB translates it this way: “An elder must be blameless, the husband of one wife with faithful children who are not accused of wildness or rebellion.” The ESV translates this verse “Believing children.” “If anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination.” Now, this verse has caused a lot of confusion and pain. Men with adult prodigals will often say, No, I didn’t manage my household well, obviously. I have an unbelieving adult child. So which is it? Is it faithful or believing? Well, I’m not going to go into all the detail that I go into in the book, but the Greek word can be translated either believing or faithful. But I think to properly understand this verse, we need to realize that Paul is saying, similar to what he’s saying in 1 Timothy 3, which is our children are submissive to or respectful and obedient.
You see, one of the questions we have to ask is, how old is this child? How old are the children? An offspring of any age? Because technically I’m the child of my 91-year-old mother. Or is this passage referring to a child in the home under the influence of the father? Remember, we’re looking at the qualities of a man that we’re considering for elder or pastor, and in the book I include four reasons that the word faithful is to be preferred over believing and what that actually means.
It still is a good and demanding qualification that expands on 1 Timothy 3. It still means that we need to seek to evangelize and disciple our children. It still means that we seek to bring consequences so that they’re not wild and disobedient. But it does not necessarily mean that the actions of a 30-year-old child or a 20-year-old child immediately implicate a man. Now, it is possible to be a poor father and lose the heart connection of your child due to your own sin, but it’s also possible for your adult child to turn his heart away from you and after other things.
And it’s even possible in the teen years because I have a chapter on family storms and how they can come upon us. In particular, I talk about my associate Pastor Travis, where you can hear his testimony in one of my earlier podcasts, but he tells about a time how in ninth grade where a good friend of his was killed in an auto accident and he, in reaction to that tragedy, said, “God, if that’s how you’re going to treat me, I’m going to try and break all of your 10 commandments.” And he dove headlong into rebellion. What’s important for us at this point is that nothing had changed in the character of his father. And so while his father did pull back from some responsibilities as a deacon so that he could focus more time, uh, at home, it did not immediately impugn his reputation.
See, I’m afraid we have some wrong ideas about what we’re looking for. As one man asked me, “Shouldn’t a pastor’s family be a model family?” And by that question, if what he meant is that it should be a shiny family that has no problems, then the answer is no. There are no families like that. That’s not a family with authenticity. But hopefully what he meant was a man who is exerting godly authority and godly affection in a way that causes his children to love and obey him. And he’s doing that because he wants to honor and please the Lord, not because he’s concerned about what other church members think. And it also means that he handles inevitable storms that any parent or pastor face, that he handles those storms with wisdom and grace.
Well, I think that’s about enough for this podcast. We’ve walked through section one. We’ve thought about the need that all pastors have, which is to grow in relational wisdom. We’ve seen that there are plenty of lessons that we can learn in the home because our home is obviously a small household. While the church is a larger household that needs spiritual fathers, and so we’ve seen that properly shepherding the flock properly, shepherding our house will include the proper exercise of authority and affection and authenticity. And finally, we took a look at Titus 1:6. I hope this has piqued your interest in the book.
Today is the release date. You can find it wherever Christian books are sold. Again, the title is Managing Your Households Well: How Family Leadership Trains You for Church Leadership. In our next podcast, I’ll talk through the second half of the book and we’ll start to think very practically about other lessons we can learn in the home.
Thanks for listening.
