Sharon and I are leading a young marrieds group at our church. Each time we meet, we have a teaching time and then a practical Q and A time.
One question of that came up was, “How do we handle expectations of our in-laws as it relates to events and holidays?”
Sharon and I thought about that, both as being a young couple and now having the perspective of being the in-laws! Here was our response.
1. We encourage you to hold three values in tension.
a. Genesis 2:24 makes clear that marriage establishes a new home and new priority relationship. “A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife.” Our first allegiance is to our spouse and our new home.
b. Scripture also calls us to honor our parents. Though we no longer have to obey them, we will always need to think about how to honor them. God placed this as one of his Ten Commandments. Obviously, it it is important and ongoing.
c. Scripture also calls us to have a commitment to our local church. They are our brothers and sisters in the Lord. For many couples, this call will involve events that conflict with the biological family.
If your parents are Christians then they will (theoretically) accept these competing interests. If they are not Christians or not mature Christians then they will probably have a harder time. For example, I know of one single mother who expected her only son and his newlywed wife to eat lunch with her every Sunday. Needless to say, this caused tremendous anxiety in this young woman trying to love her husband but also wanting to establish their own relationship.
There are numerous ways Sharon and I (imperfectly) tried to live out these three values that are in tension. Since I was from the South and Sharon’s parents were close by, early in our marriage we often spent holidays at Sharon’s parents. We would make regular trips at Christmas to my parents. Both sets of parents were also sensitive to the demands on my time as a pastor.
At some point when we had children, we switched to having our home be the focal point of Christmas. Throughout all of life’s season we occasionally we made church commitments that inconvenienced our family. But in all cases we were trying to balance those three commitments.
2. We tried to have the biological child communicate with his or her parents. Except in unusual cases, it is usually better for the man to communicate disappointing news to his parents and for the woman to communicate disappointing news to her parents. In a healthy relationship, there can be more expression of love even if the news is disappointing. There are cases in an unhealthy relationship where a man may need to protect his wife from improper expectations by her mom or dad.
3. We tried to get out ahead of holidays to set expectations. Often the offense is not the decision but the lack of early communication about the decision. Try to think six months out and think about their expectations. Then talk your parents through that.
4. We tried to keep the relationship strong in other ways. Phone calls, pictures, or texts are an easy way to show love to parents (and parents-in-law!) without actually being at an event. We hoped that they would feel honored even if we could not come to the event. Sharon, in particular, did an excellent job of loving my physically distant parents.
Bonus thought – “My mom is constantly texting us about attending an all family event like an aunt’s retirement party. Thoughts?” In this case a mom who values family and extended family (which is good) is not thinking about both her son’s new extra commitments and church commitments. My suggestion was two-fold. First, don’t have this conversation over text. Bump it up to the next level. Call your mom. Then express love for the person but communicate that you are not going. You have other commitments. Second, if there is a smaller way to show love then do that. Do something like send a card or a quick phone call to this aunt.
This article does not speak to truly unhealthy expectations by parents but hopefully these few principles get you thinking.
For further reading, you might also be interested in this article from the archives – Handling Grandparents Who Disagree.
