I receive one question quite consistently at every conference that I do:
“What do I do when my husband will not lead spiritually? He says he is a Christian but I cannot get him to take the initiative.”
Unfortunately, ever since the Garden, men have been plagued with both spiritual passivity and harshness. One of the saddest verses of the Bible is Genesis 3:6 where God’s Word records, “[Eve] took of it and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” In other words, Adam was standing with Eve when Satan tempted her. The one who should have defended his wife from the tempter, didn’t do anything. He was passive. And that’s what we’re talking about. Instead of spiritual leadership and initiative, we have passivity.
How do we approach this problem? In one sense, the whole Disciple-Making Parent material answers this question. But let me give some quick, specific encouragements to the wife, the husband, and church shepherds.
Encouragements for Women
1. Pray. God works through prayer. He changes hearts through prayer. If I am praying, and if I am hoping that my husband is going to grow in Christlikeness, that means he’s going to grow into spiritual leadership. That initiative includes church attendance, talking with the children and his wife, and teaching them. Never underestimate the power of secret prayer.
2. Don’t make this an idol. Be careful that you are not comparing yourself to others or becoming digruntled. Even as I encourage you to pray, we also need to realize where God has us at the moment. It is easy in our good desire to begin grumbling and become discontent with the spouse that God has given us. That witness to your children will destroy any good that you can extract from your husband. A happy, contented mom is a powerful testimonry. My father never had anything close to family devotions or talked much to me about spiritual things. But I saw him work 60 hours a week, faithfully read his Bible, and then be a faithful church member. That example stayed with me.
3. Suggest small initiatives that might be well received. After prayer, suggest small things that he might be open to. Life can be demanding for men at work. Our mind is on all the problems and challenges there. And then if our wife just suggests we do something it can feel like a complaint. “What do I do? I have been thinking about work all day.”
But a small suggestion with a solution can be really helpful. For example, “Honey, I found this little devotional book. It will take four minutes to read at dinner. I will keep the kids quiet. Would you consider reading this to us?” How can a husband refuse that? You’re asking nicely and you’re giving a solution. Or, “Honey, I found this great character book. Would you read to them on the couch while I clean up?” In other words, I am trying to do everything to make him successful.
4. Continue to take initiative yourself. We see in 2 Timothy 1:5 that it was the faith of Timothy’s mother and grandmother that had an influence on him. His father was not a believer. And what is Paul able to say? That Timothy has known the Holy Scriptures since childhood (2 Tim. 3:14-15). His mother and grandmother had taught him!
Encouragements for Men
For men, there is so much I could say about this high calling to be a father. I have said much of it elsewhere. But in this short response, I would just emphasize two things:
1. God commands us to instruct our children. Ephesians 6:4 and Deuteronomy 6:6-7 are not suggestions but commands. If we say we follow Jesus, then we will seek to take some spiritual initiative. It may be very imperfect. But God uses imperfect people all the time. That’s the only kind of parents there are. Just the fact that you are trying will make an impact on your children.
2. Change your mindset about coming home. Often, because of the demands of work, it is easy to look forward to coming home and resting. But is this the right way to think of things? I found as a pastor, if I had a meeting at night, I would come home, grab a bite to eat, and then go to my meeting. Knowing I had work to do after I got home kept my energy up.
But if I had an expectation of getting to relax at home, then I found a last-minute request to go out to be annoying. This difference helped me realize that it had nothing to do with my energy, it had to do with my expectation. As a result, I encourage men to think of coming home as going to their second shift job. You have two jobs. One during the day to earn money. And the second shift job is to love and lead your family. And when those are done, then you can rest.
Encouragement for Church Leaders
Finally one way church leaders can support women and challenge men is to regularly ask, “How is your family discipleship going?” Since shepherding our children is a command and a manifestation of godliness in the home, then it is entirely appropriate that shepherds ask members how that is going. The best challenge to a man who is spiritually passive often comes from another man.
Conclusion
This problem is as old as Adam and will not go away until Christ returns. Nevertheless, all of us as men need the prayerful support of our wives. And all of us as men can grow in taking spiritual initiative.
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