We all experience conflicts in relationships. Ken Sande’s classic book, The Peacemaker, provides guidance. I have been teaching some of his material during the equipping time at my church. I believe every leader, whether pastor or parent, ought to have a grid for working through conflict in a biblical way. I thought this material might be helpful. I hope to put this class up on my podcast soon.
With Thanksgiving in the U.S. having just passed, conflict might be especially on your mind. As Christians who are saved by the blood of Christ, we know that we do not live out his commands perfectly. We continue to sin. So how do we restore those relationships?
Scripture tells us that out of humility, we confess our sin. And we ask forgiveness. But if no one has taught us how to do this, it is easy to short circuit the process. Or maybe we are on the other side of the conflict. We are the one receiving the confession but something seems off.
Let this short list from Ken Sande help. He calls it the Seven A’s of Confession. When confessing:
Address everyone involved. The confession should reach as far as the offense. If my wife or my children see my sin then I should speak to them. Sande writes of the true story of a time his pastor and an elder had a disagreement in public. The next Sunday both men stood up and addressed the congregation. They apologized for last week’s behavior. The principle? Address everyone involved.
Avoid if, but, and maybe. These three words (and others) can negate the apology. Remember your standard is obeying and honoring the Lord. So, we are confessing violating that command. When we add words like but it negates everything after. “I’m sorry if I yelled at you but you should have done your homework.” “If I hurt you…” Make an unconditional statement that shows your first concern is with the Lord.
Admit specifically not generally. Specific admissions help convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done which makes it easier for them to forgive you. In addition, being specific will help you identify the behavior you need to change. For example, “I know I’m not living up to your expectations” is very different than saying “I know I have regularly interrupted you when you were speaking.” In addition, you want to deal with attitudes as well as actions. Sinful attitudes can include selfishness, ingratitude, envy, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, self-righteousness, disloyalty, insensitivity, and stubbornness.
Acknowledge the hurt you caused. Your goal here is to help the other party realize that you understand the impact. For example, “You must have been terribly embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I’m sorry I did that to you.” Sometimes it is helpful to ask the other person how he or she felt as a result of your behavior. This will deepen your confession and understanding.
Accept the consequences. Explicitly accepting the consequences of your actions is another way to demonstrate genuine repentance. The prodigal son demonstrated this principle. In Luke 15:19, he declares, “I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired men.” He was willing to accept the proper consequences of sinning against his father. Whether negative consequences or positively promising to make restitution, it is easier for others to believe you are sincere.
Alter your behavior. Another sign of sincere repentance is to explain to the person you offended how you plan to alter your behavior in the future. On a personal level this could involve describing some of the attitude, character, or behavior changes you hope to make with God’s help. If you are the one in charge, such as an employer or pastor, you could describe how this will influence how you lead. A written plan for change shows that you take the matter seriously and want to please God going forward.
Ask for forgiveness (and allow time). If you follow the steps mentioned above many people will readily forgive you. But some people will need to be asked, “Will you forgive me?” Now you have signaled that you have done all you can by way of confession and that the responsibility now shifts to the other person. Be careful not to use the question of forgiveness as a means to pressure someone into forgiving you. Sometimes a person needs time. At other times people will not grant forgiveness because they feel like your confession has been inadequate. But the last step will be to ask forgiveness.
In the book, Ken Sande goes into greater detail. But I have found this outline helpful in my own life and to teach others. I hope it blesses you.
